May the Good Lord’s Holy Penis Bless You and Keep You Safe

God does not have a gender. HE’S not a dude. SHE’S not a chick. THEY’RE not a transgender person of indiscriminate genital-orientation. Period.

We anthropomorphize everything. Cartoon turtles on TV ads lecturing their co-workers about the value of certain auto insurance policies. We describe interlocking building materials as having “the male part” and “the female part,” which is more action than the (genderless) building may ever actually see.

But no anthropomorphization bothers me more than what we do to God. For It’s sake, it’s God! Crusty conservatives reminding us that God’s a guy. Whiny feminists lecturing us that God must be female because She gives us life. Screw all of that nonsense.

At least when the Greeks did it, they gave the gods cool stories. Dramatic rescues in Tartarus (Hell before they added the second “L”), Zeus’s serial swanmorphization sex fantasies, and more incest than you could shake an ancient stick at.

Now we give God a gender, but nothing to do with it.

Think of it this way. If God has a penis, it’s probably a really big penis. If God has a vagina, wouldn’t She want to use it at some point? If God’s a dude, then doesn’t He want to get laid (surely He did, at least back when God was a horny/holy teenager)? If God’s a chick, then isn’t the Holy and Everlasting Chick going to feel the effects of the universe’s most urgent Biological Clock? Lunacy

Are we such conceited bastards that we can’t even just say the Almighty is unknowable, but probably not blessed with any kind of genitalia?

Can’t God just be a eunuch or a Holy Hermaphrodite?