Just 12 of the Oh So Many Things Hollywood Gets Wrong about Sex

As a guy, I’m motivated to write this one mainly because I’m sick of almost, but not quite, seeing nipples on screen. They’re so close, mere inches away, I can just barely glimpse the edges of the areola, and then nothing. Damn you, Hollywood!

However, the covering up of nipples in the bedroom, right after sex, is far from the only thing movies and television get wrong about everyone’s favorite hobby (inside their heads). Let’s make a list. Lists are fun.

1) Not even the most sheltered Amish chick pulls the covers up over her boobs after having just had sex. Hollywood bed sheets always cover breasts and penises, usually the visible aspects of vaginas, too. But butts, sure we see a lot of butts, though usually said butts are less than 35 years old. No boobs, no dicks, no saggy butts. That must be a Hollywood rule.

2) Long-haired women rarely glue their hair over their nipples in real life. I’m sure that’s a fetish somewhere, but not a popular one.

The recipe calls for HOW MUCH milk?

3) Kitchen counter sex doesn’t actually work in real life. It sounds hot, doesn’t it? The reality is America’s interior decorators don’t position countertops and cabinets with accessible fuck positions in mind. Maybe in California, but nowhere else. Real kitchen counter sex is painful, for reasons involving more geometry than most sexual encounters demand.

4) People don’t stop having sex when they turn 35. Old people these days, with our little blue pills and hormone replacement therapy, have plenty of sex. It may be slower, it may not involve nearly as many kitchen counters, but it happens. Hell, there are now routine outbreaks of syphilis in Florida retirement communities. To this I say, God bless America!

5) If you have sex with your step-mother, your life is not going to improve. OK, granted, the “research” I did for this one was mainly on pornhub, but from what they say, step-mother sex is the most common male fetish this hub has to offer. However, porn never shows you how bad Thanksgiving sucks after you have sex with your step-mother.

6) Married people sex looks a lot more lively on-screen than in real life. In real life that tired old joke about putting beans in a jar to count married sex the first year, and then taking them out the second year, is so very true. Despite what romance novels have always taught women, married sex is as perfunctory as tooth brushing, and about as exciting.

7) There’s almost never any doggy-style sex on screen. What’s up with that? Every mammal I know, except humans, ONLY does it doggy-style. “Doggy-style, it’s not just for dogs anymore.”

8) Most of the orgasms on screen seem like they’re not being faked…which is, of course, crazy since on screen orgasms are all, by nature, faked (other than, perhaps in porn, but yeah, probably there, too, probably there most of all). Occasionally there’ll be a sitcom reference to faked female orgasms, never male, only female, but even that is pretty rare.

9) There’s a hell of a lot of office sex in movies and television. Even now. Even in the Age of the Dominant H.R. Department and MeToo male fear and angst, as future anthropologists will undoubtedly label this era. Even when just having office sex, or maybe even just the rumor of having office sex, is a fireable offense. Don’t get me wrong, Hollywood is correct here. We should live in a time with more office sex, but sadly, we do not.

10) You see lesbian sex a hell of lot more than male gay sex. I’m not complaining, mind you, but it just doesn’t seem equitable. Which gender has the more raging, more immediate, hormones? Men. Which gender thinks about sex, on average, every seven seconds? Men. Which gender has designated gay sex public parks in every major metropolis in the country? Oh yeah, it’s men. But Hollywood producers still think Christian middle-America believes gay sex to be something akin to leprechauns. Possibly mythical, and involving a brightly-colored vest and some sort of monetary exchange.

11) You always see simultaneous orgasms on screen. In real life? Not so much. You never see the guy, eager to get the hell out of the bedroom and take the piss he’s been holding for the last fifteen minutes, obligatorily “helping her out” so they both reach the finish line, even if one them performed a sprint and the other a marathon.

12) Since the end of the Victorian Era I don’t think anyone has ever had missionary intercourse where both of them are covered from the shoulders down entirely by bed sheets. Never. Not once. OK, maybe for a few terminally shy guys and their willing prostitutes, perhaps a few Amish teenagers on their Rumspringa, but I’m not even so sure about those poor, weird examples.