The Only Path Forward: Vicious Bipartisanship

The Sadists’ Plan for a Better Tomorrow

A popular political buzzword of our time is “Bipartisanship.” It sounds like a good idea. It smells like a good idea. It probably IS a good idea. It’s also damn near impossible.

Recently, far too many Americans have begun to define themselves based on their hatred of one of the two major national political parties. Back in the day when we used to just hate all politicians we had a healthier national dialogue. Frankly, it was better when we were skeptical of all politicians, not just half. Guess what? No less an authority than George Washington warned us against the factional danger of political parties, but this is America, so we didn’t listen. In our relatively short political history a disturbing number of our fringe political parties were based entirely on the hatred of some specific idea, but more often some group of people. There was once an “Anti-Chinese Party.” I’m not making this up. There have been a few anti-Catholic parties. There have been anti-tax parties, and various other hated notions around which we’ve wrapped political parties like a tortilla of bitterness.

The news anchors like to say, “We’re living in two Americas,” or some other similar phrase, often these days. And while that’s certainly true to an extent, there are still many, many things most of us agree on. Neither party thinks that pants should be worn on our arms. Both parties think that the FDA should warn us about tainted pork. Neither party thinks giving heroin to dogs is a good idea. The ideological stuff may divide us, but we all like waffle cones and half-naked girls. Aaaaannnnnndddd, that’s about it, except for one thing. Both political parties are at least a little sadistic. Republicans are totally fine with locking brown children in cages. Democrats are completely okay with outlawing any semblance of the Old South. Both of these are at least a little sadistic, pointing their anger toward the groups of people their members hate. Instead of bemoaning this barely-concealed sadism, let’s lean into it…for a better tomorrow.

Let’s harness this hatred and use it to move forward together. Sure, it’s a little sick, but we ARE a little sick. It’s time we were honest about it.

Republicans say they like local control of government…but at the moment many Republican legislators are imposing state restrictions on cities (i.e. passing state laws which tell municipalities they can’t cut their police budgets). So, let’s take a Democratic axe to that hypocrisy, and give American liberals a visual of it by letting Democrats throw literal axes at robots painted blue to look like policemen.

Democrats say they want to erase the shameful vestiges of America’s past…but at the moment their desire to lift up some Americans is coming at the expense of the monuments to self-identification of other Americans (and the hypocrisy is, once again, rampant — it’s “where ALL men are created equal” not “where ALL men, except those stupid rednecks, are created equal”). This “cancel culture” phenomenon that all the conservatives are complaining about all the time now, really is stupid, damaging, and mainly a control mechanism. It’s got to go. But, let’s not tear down one single more statue, no matter how terrible the subject was, and instead let’s make new statues to add to the pantheon of statuary, putting a statue of Sacagawea next to the statue of Custer, putting a statue of Medger Evers next to the statue of George Wallace, putting a statue of Sally Hemmings next to the statue of Thomas Jefferson. Let’s fill in the holes of our history instead of just filling in different Mad Libs answers to the same paragraph. And, since the whole point of this proposal is sadism, I think we should hand out small, chocolate, edible statues of both the old guy and the new guy to everyone who wants one, so both sides of this issue can experience the joys of beheading the historical figure they hate. It goes down smooth and it tastes like freedom.

Republicans say they’re the protectors of both religion and free-market capitalism, claiming that their crusades are protecting religious liberty, and in some ways they almost are…but not really and they mostly miss the mark. You can’t be a champion of the free market AND take corporate bribes to let big business gobble small business. Passing state laws that let businesses discriminate against gay couples or trans people is completely pointless, according to the basic principles of capitalism. If a business owner doesn’t want to serve one group of people, that’s his right (it’s bad business and somewhat immoral, but that’s for a different rant), and, economically will inevitably lead to a competing business opening up down the road to serve the very people the discriminating business sought to ban. It’s Economics 101. Supply and demand. (We’ve got to stop thinking we can legislate tolerance. Hate crime bills, while maybe well-meaning, are terrible ideas, which don’t actually wind up promoting tolerance, but do lead to backlashes. Again, irony abounds.) So, since this ridiculous trend seemingly began with wedding cake bakers not wanting to bake cakes for gay guys’ marriages, let’s designate one day a year as “Bozo The Homosexual Clown Day” and let all of America’s gay couples pie the faces of Republican legislators across the country, with no recriminations, every third Tuesday in April.

Democrats say they’re protecting our liberty too, just in the opposite way. They think they’re stopping the spread of hatred and intolerance by boxing in religion, or rather religious people, with laws that curb religious overreach. What they’re really doing is attempting to lift up one group of people while putting down another. Read Thomas Jefferson’s masterful “Statute on Religious Liberty” sometime, which he wrote on behalf of the state of Virginia, where he basically invented the separation of church and state in order that no one religion would be dominant and no other religion would be ridiculed to death. Jefferson didn’t care about religion as much as he cared about letting people choose their own adventure, Enlightenment-style. So our third president, who was prouder of his Statute than of having been president, created this enduring idea, which hasn’t always stood straight against the onslaught of windy periods, but has never completely broken, was right and the modern Democrats are wrong. Well-meaning, but wrong. Religion isn’t anyone’s business but your own. You’re an American, you can worship whatever crazy bullshit you damn well want. You can’t, however, impose your beliefs on the rest of us…which, in an orgy of irony, is what the Democrats are doing. Only their belief isn’t called religion. It’s called tolerance. Unironically (since we’ve established that we can barely even recognize irony anymore), the Democrats are trying to stomp out intolerance by being intolerant of anyone who chooses not to tolerate the way they’re spreading tolerance. Even for a time and place this batshit crazy, this one is insane. So, we need to grant religious people the right to protest gay marriages in the least homosexual way ever…by having completely legal heterosexual sex out in the open, in front of wherever the gay couple they don’t like is getting hitched. There will be no such thing as “Indecent Exposure” that day, plenty of sex will be had, which will turn more people on, leading to even more sex, between men and women, men and men and women and women. Sure, it won’t solve anything, but at least you’ll get laid.

As I said up front, I freaking hate both political parties. They’re stale, unoriginal and it has become increasingly obvious that they barely represent most of us anymore. It’s time for a multi-party system. Personally, I’d prefer a No-party system, but Americans seem to like forming into groups, so I’ll allow it. The Republicans and the Democrats can stick around, let their tight grasp on power be rightfully diluted, to the betterment of the rest of us, the people they’re supposed to be representing. Also, we’ll all benefit from seeing politicians get pied-in-the-face and from the fundamentalist gay marriage protest orgies we’ll get to participate in. To summarize, God bless America.