With each new G the internet people add, life gets worse. Noticeably worse. Obviously worse. I know that all these G’s have something to do with the speed of service, or at least that’s what they claim, but if it’s solely about faster internet, then why does it keep makings things the opposite of good? It’s long past time to start removing some G’s.
If we step back from 5-G to 4-G, we can get rid of A.I. That’s obviously a positive step. I don’t care how much propagandistic bullshit the tech lunatics spew at us, artificial intelligence isn’t going to take us anywhere good. Sure, people seem to like the mildly funny mash-up parody songs and, Lord knows, students like to A.I.-cheat on their homework, but I don’t see anyone other than the A.I. companies themselves, and of course the politicians they own, clamoring for fewer humans in humanity’s future. Haven’t we all seen enough dystopian science fiction movies to fear machines making their own decisions?
If we step back from 4-G to 3-G, we can put a number of internet-scammers out of business. Who doesn’t want to stop wasting time dealing with compu-thieves half a world away, pretending to want to promote your book, lower your taxes, increase your business’ search engine visibility? Who doesn’t want to protect their grandparents from Pakistani teenagers posing as financial advisors or miracle medical cure purveyors?
If we step back from 3-G to 2-G, we can slow the speed of electronic communication down to the point where you might actually think twice before posting your poorly-though-out, reactionary schoolyard taunt masquerading as political speech. You might realize that taking a few deep breaths before rage-texting your girlfriend or boyfriend is generally a good dating policy. You might even realize the inherent hollowness of electronic communication compared to literally every single other way to converse. You might even recognize the power of silence, the value in thinking through your reactions.
If we step back from 2-G to 1-G (Did they just call it G, or was G not even in the picture before it multiplied?), we can recapture the Utopian enthusiasm that the early internet espoused and engendered in a lot of people. We truly had an opportunity to change the world for the better. Sure, we fucked it up, but the hope was there. If we hadn’t let the same old assholes divide us through yet another means, we could’ve captured something wonderful. I’m old enough to recall those salad days, and they were worth remembering, worth recapturing.
If we step back from 1-G to no G’s whatsoever, we can rediscover happiness. Happiness isn’t a warm gun, isn’t a never-ending fourth grade political insultfest, isn’t getting your news through a heavily-biased source, isn’t dropping family members who have a slightly different vision of proper governance. Happiness isn’t pretending to live in an echo chamber. Happiness has nothing whatsoever to do with electronic communication.
I know that I sound like a stereotypical old guy telling skateboarding fourteen-year-olds to get out of my driveway, like the wrinkled defiant octogenarians in front of the hardware stores ranting about how life used to be better before all these damn teenagers turned it all to crap. I do sound like that old guy, but for possibly the first time in human history, those old guys are 100% right. Life was better before the internet.
OK, I’ll admit that cat videos are undeniably positive. I’ll admit that watching a rhinoceros rescue a baby giraffe from a herd of angry wolves is heart-warming. Animal videos and being able to talk to far-flung loved ones are good things, positives. Other than that, life was simply just better before we started counting G’s.